Monday, August 29, 2011


Hellooooo Blog Readers,

I know, it's been a while, but I don't want to hear it! I've been crazy busy with work and trying to find work, I just haven't had the time to write.
Not to mention, I've been preoccupied with da boys, which is good for YOU, because that means much more dating drama and entertaining gossip.
Now, where to start?
Well, I should explain how things ended with EL.
We had started up talking again and our physical appetites for each other kept growing and growing. One night, after he had left for a trip to Los Angeles, I went out with my friends to get a little crazy, and of course, ended up texting him. We texted for hours on what we meant to each other, how I couldn't handle a real relationship at this point in my life, and we settled on just being FB's (yes, fuck buddies).  Well, I suppose my neurosis got in the way of that because that damn girl who kept stalking him on facebook just got on my last nerve, and so I did something any vindictive and manipulative bitch would: I commented him that I "couldn't wait to be alone with him this weekend."
Next thing I knew, he had deleted my comment, I got mad, he lied about his reason to delete it, and I told him that "I really jumped the gun on this one."
He ended up messaging me a few days later, apologizing and ending the conversation with the very demeaning question, "friends?"
Men: Don't ever call the girls you are sleeping with "friends."  
They may not be your girlfriends, and that's cool if that's the arrangement, but they are sure as Hell are more than just your "friends."
So, that was it for me. I ignored any further texts he sent me and moved on.

And those stories, my friends, are best to be left for another day....

"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."
                                                                                                               --Ingrid Bergman

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Silver Screen Sexies

Men from the past were REAL men.
MASCULINE, courteous, chivalrous and clever...sometimes I wish I could climb into a Time Machine and nab me an icon from a past decade, or perhaps snatch them right out of a black and white screen.
Unfortunately, I grew up in the 90's and am now stuck in the 2000's.
(What's a girl to do?)
So, I decided to honor all the stud muffins from the past that I, myself, am in love with, and who encompass all the things I aspire to find in a man living in this decade.
(If only...)

Rudolph Valentino

Robert Mitchum

Bogie (Humphrey Bogart)

Cary Grant 
(Love his sexy goofiness)

Marlon Brando

Tony Curtis
(One of my favorites. Had a crush on him since I was a kid)

Harrison Ford
(I mean, come on...Hands down, the sexiest man of the 70's)

Al Pacino

Hey, Jealousy

Well, turns out El is seeing a new girl...and she's hideous....I know this because she obsessively comments him on Facebook, and as soon as they started hanging out, he stopped talking to me.
I know this is all my fault.
I know it. 
But I can't help wanting to SCREAM and throw some kind of tantrum just to get his attention.
I mean, what is it with men today?? If you stop seeing a girl, give her the common courtesy of telling her you are seeing someone else or that its just not working out.
I feel like this new girl has stolen my whole life, for some reason. I picture him taking her out to all the great places he took me, then taking her back to his amazing house. I see them getting married and his parents buying them a place of their own, as well a beautiful honeymoon to some far exotic land.
Its. Not. Fair. 

It kinda makes me sick to my stomach. Not the fact that he's seeing someone else, just the fact that I am the one who screwed this whole thing up, and that he didn't have the decency to tell me first. He just cast me aside, just like B. I hate it when people think they are getting away with something...
For a while there, I was considering leaving him a friendly Facebook comment for all to see, just to let HIM know that I know, and let HIS NEW GIRL know that I used to be in the fucking picture.
Facebook Comment To El:
Dear ELI (Since that's what this girl INSISTS on calling him),
Last night was amazing.
You are so good in bed!
I just can't wait to see you again.
Hi LuLu! (New girls name).
Love Always, 

I don't know when I started being so wrong. I used to be [THAT] girl, who A-L-W-A-Y-S got what she wanted, and left before she got hurt. I don't know when that stopped, but I want to go back to it. I loved being the one people came to for sex advice and bragging about my silly and fantastic rendezvous', not being the one who cried on a good friends shoulder because some man didn't see how great she was.
So, that's it.
I am done whining about and lingering on men who don't see the good in me. If they can't see what they are missing, then that's it.
Done, son!
I'm going back to my old ways. It's time to be pampered, have a little fun and then kick 'em to the curb.
After all, Marilyn always said, "A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left." 


Tuesday, July 5, 2011


I sit here,
waiting for my robot to feel. 
It lingers in a state of obedience,
telling me all the words I want to hear. 
My robot speaks when spoken to,
and moves when moved. 

But it is never moved. 

I wait patiently, still, for it to acknowledge me;
for it to wake up from its catatonic slumber,
and begin to see the good in me. 
I thought I'd never be lonely with 
this lifeless machine.

But although its around, its never really here. 

I went out and found it
lying alone in the junkyard,
and I thought I could save it;
rebuild it into something beautiful.
But I didnt listen when she told me,

They were just robots.


Sunday, July 3, 2011

Drunken Texting Can Be So Unforgiving...

Well, this is a relationship blog, so I suppose I should post more on my messed up, yet entertaining and ridiculous dating life. I began this blog waiting to hear from my "boyfriend," B. Well, while I was dating, B, I was also dating El, a guy I was introduced to by a co-worker of mine. He's a very nice guy with an interesting history. His dad was raised Jewish and then converted to Christianity and became a Missionary, and now someone is super loaded. El was born in Brazil and was adopted by his parents and taken to South Africa, where he grew up. Now, he lives by the Wash Park area in an amazing house his parents pay for and are currently remodeling, while they spend their time back in South Africa. 
Although El is well-traveled, cultured, sexy, smart AND sweet, I decided to be more serious about B at the time.
Well....we all know how that worked out....
So, even though I told El I was seeing someone else, he stuck around and we would chat occasionally. He even talked me down one night when I was quite upset. It's like he never gave up.
We finally went out about a week ago, and I have to say, it was F-A-N-T-A-S-T-I-C. We started our night with this great Chinese restaurant down on Broadway and ended up at Candle Light Bar, which had, dare I say, $3 Sailor Jerry's rum and Coke. For those of you who don't know me, I am in love with Sailor Jerry rum. The Sailor and I have had many a debaucherous night together. He is truly the only man I can relay on ;-] Needless to say, I was in Heaven. 
The night was going so well. The conversation, the company. It was all just really fun and perfect.
We then went back to his place and indulged in, yet, some more debauchery...and, yes, he's absolutely amazing at that as well. 

I was absolutely beaming the next day at work, and texted him to see if we could hang more, to which came his reply: "YA!!!" Seems like a good sign, right?
Wrong. Wrong, wrong. Always....wrong. 
I didn't hear from him for a couple days and started to worry. The whole B thing has gotten me paranoid about guys not calling...Therefor, I decided to go out, get completely smashed, and txt him. Now, I don't save my sent texts, so I only have the texts he sent me, and I have NO idea what I said to him....
I do know, that things got kinda dirty, and he sent me a text saying "So, we are fuck buddies?!" I think I said, "It's whatever you want," feeling dejected and giving up on any kind of a relationship with ANY man. 
He said, "Good to know." 
Uh, no. Sorry. Not good to know!! I honestly don't know what I was thinking. I completely fucked up a good chance of having any sort of a relationship with this great guy....Once you pull the fuck buddy card, it's hard to reel it back to dating-to-be-in-a-relationship status. 
And to top it all off, I haven't heard from him since the day after this little revelation came out. We texted a little, and that was it. 
I am literally kicking myself....

"Romantic love is an illusion. Most of us discover this truth at the end of a love affair or else when the sweet emotions of love lead us into marriage and then turn down their flames." 
                                                                                                                  ----Thomas Moore


My Facebook Status

"I'm  tired of being objectified, wearing heels and make-up, basing my ego on a man's scale, dealing with slutty men as well as haters from the SAME gender, having the media bombard me with images of who I should be and what I should look like. I dont want to be a girl anymore :-( "

This status started an interesting discussion on sexism and the society''s portrayal and treatment of women. I'll replay it here:

Dana: What? That's crazy! You don't have to do all that, we just do it because it's fun!
Lev: If I go into a club without heels or make-up on, id be considered a dog. No guys would come talk to me, and you know what that means, Dana? NO free drinks!! lol. 
No, I wear heels b/c they make me look taller and thinner, so I can try and fit into what the media portrays. We are suppose to be skinny and pretty. Personality counts for shit. Im tired of it. I would love to be a guy, just for one week. Not give a shit, use women, eat all I want bc it doesnt matter if Im fat, throw on a shirt and some jeans in the morning, muss up my hair and be ready for my day. To feel fine no matter what I looked like. It'd be nice. I want to meet somebody looking my worst. Maybe then Ill know they love me for who I am and not who I paint myself to be.
Teressa: Yeh, its fun until its expected of us...
Beth: well i met my baby's daddy when i didnt have any makeup on and a baggy t-shirt and jeans.... so smile harty! :) those who mind dont matter and those who matter dont mind!
Lev: Teressa, EXACTLY! Perfect word: EXPECTED.
Bethy, I love that quote and will always remember it, thank you :]
Im not saying that I was seeing a guy and the sight of me without make-up made him jet. lol. Im more saying that its how we are port
rayed, and therefore, thats what is EXPECTED of us. I read an article about a certain female comedian who I absolutely hate talking about giving all of her guy friends bjs and writing a Halloween list of costumes saying that if someone gives you a big candy bar (meaning no fun sizes) that means you are fat and should go home and cry. She also told her "haters" to take the sandwiches out of their mouths and go for a walk. It shocked and hurt me because it gives out this image of women like if we aren't a size 2 we should just go die. I dont hate this comedian b/c shes pretty. I dont even hate her b/c shes a whore. I hate her bc she furthers the stereotype that women can only be worth anything if they are pretty, give it up easily and cater to men. There was also an article on this Duke student who wrote her thesis on her sex life at Duke. Great editorial for a magazine, but to use your sexual experiences to get ahead in your education shows that you are pretty worthless and gives us all a bad name. So, for all you women who use sex and appearence to get ahead in life and depict us as nothing more than sexual objects who must cater to the male's who already see us as nothing more than someplace to put their dicks, thanks for setting the rest of us back 50 years.

And I mean it! 

"Love built on beauty, soon as beauty, dies." 
                                                   ---John Donne

Now to watch some Kevin Hart stand-up, 

Saturday, July 2, 2011

7 Fantastic Break-Up Notes

I have to say, I wouldn't like to be on the recieving end of these notes, but I would be so satisfied if I had written one...

Thanks to

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Alcohol Makes the Words Come Easier

Last night, I was itching to go clubbing for some reason, so I called up my friend Chris and we decided to go to SPILL downtown. After just a couple drinks we were definitely starting to feel it, so, being the world's worst drunk texter, I opened up my contact list and started messaging. Our friend Chad from work ended up responding and decided that since he lived downtown he'd come meet up with us.
We were quite excited about this. 
Chris had been trying to get me and Chad together for some time. I think that secretly, Chris really wants to get into Chad's pants, but since Chad isn't gay, Chris wants to live vicariously through me. I am totally ok with this.
Chad's a very good looking guy. I'm not even that into blondes, but Chad is pretty fine, so its safe to say, I'm down with the mess around. 
Chad shows up with his roomie and begins taking shots, after apparently already pre-gaming at his house. We were all getting pretty rowdy when Chad comes up to me and says, 
"So whats the deal? Are you coming home with me tonight or what?"
I laugh, not sure if he was joking or not. I mean, Chad can get pretty much any girl he puts his mind to and we always joke around about hooking up and what not. 
So, he says, "I feel like you don't ever take me seriously."
Well, that cleared up any confusion I had. 
I told him that Chris and I were suppose to leave the club together and that I didn't want to leave him alone. 
That's when the negotiations began...
Chad walked up to Chris, said something, then Chris came up to me and asked if I wanted to leave with Chad. I said I honestly didn't know.
Chris walked over to Chad and the two began talking intensely.
Chris came back up to me, and we began to talk about whether I'd be leaving with Chad or not.
Chris walked back to Chad and began negotiating with him again.
I felt like I was being sold to a John by my Pimp.
Finally, Chris drunkenly walks up to me, puts his hands on my shoulders and says,quite matter of fact-ly, "You...are going home with Chad....and he is going to fuck you."
It was settled. 
Chad and I walked back to his place. I was gone by this point, and I'm certain I kept bringing up Chia and the other guy I have a thing for at work (those are my two favorite drunken topics). He held my hand all the way to his house and when we got there we sat down on his couch and figured we'd get things started. 
I have to say...I felt extremely awkward. 
I don't know if I just get nervous around Chad, or if I just really wasn't into it, but he went in to kiss me and I just wasn't feeling it. 
It was weird. 
So, I excused myself to go to the bathroom and when I came back out, Chad was passed out up in his bedroom. 
And it was over before it even began. I walked back downstairs and watched Family Guy on his couch until his roomie got home and gave me a ride back to my place. 
Strange night, right? Strange, but totally fun. 
Perhaps I just love the thrill of the chase, but when I actually get it, I realize how much I don't want it....
Perhaps we may never know; at least, until the next time Chad and I get together. 

And so, I'll leave you with this: "True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen."
 --La Rochefoucauld


Monday, June 20, 2011


'Ello World,

That is, mostly America, Sweden and Germany as my stats say (thanks for reading, btw).
Yesterday was my good friend Pahina's wedding. It was a beautiful ceremony that illustrated the loving and vibrant souls that she and her fiancee are. I have to say, I was a little worried about going to this wedding, being the cynical love doubter that I am; however, seeing Pahina and her fiancee's true happiness at being bonded together for their eternities made me believe that love truly does exist for some people.
In my opinion, love is out there for those certain lucky individuals who probably found it when they weren't even looking for it in the first place.
Pahina's love looked so real and seemed so secure. I was so happy she found someone as amazing as her. I think it's so funny how two people can be so perfect together. I suppose I don't truly understand it because I've never truly had that before.
Perhaps someday.
After the tear-jerking ceremony, came the always exciting reception (Aka, Party Time!).
It was a Russian Jewish wedding, so there was plenty of Vodka and dancing that would put even Paris Hilton to shame. We danced the Hora, and to Hava Nagila, and ate strange Russian food I had never even seen before (a new experience, although not my favorite part of the whole shindig).

The only uncomfortable part of the weddings was that Chia was there. I knew he was going to be, so I was mentally prepared, but not emotionally prepared to see him, and here is a list of reasons why:
1) We haven't spoken since we broke up almost 5 months ago.
2) I fell hard for this man, and he treated me so badly during a time in my life I needed support and love the most.
3) I'm pretty sure he knows his roommate is trying to get all up on this...
4) The girl he was in love with before me is one of Pahina's best friends and she was also at the wedding. She is gorgeous. Model status. And she broke his heart, and he constantly compared me to her.

I don't hate her for this at all, in fact, I really like and admire this girl. She's a ton of fun and a great friend to Pahina. However, I have never forgiven Chia for the way I never measured up to her for him. No one can compare to this girl, let me tell you...
So, when Chia walked into the reception after missing the ceremony (not surprising, he's always late), my heart dropped a little. I was thrilled when I found out he was sitting at a table far, far away (thanks to Pahina being sensitive to my feelings), until someone at my table told him to come join us since he didn't know anyone at his table.
Thank you blonde girl with the bleeding heart.
So, there we were: Me, Chia, and his beautiful past love. None of us talking to each other.
So awkward.
Didn't help when I heard the Beauty whisper to her friend, sarcastically, "we only hooked up 4 times."
That was something I could have gone my whole life without hearing....
Fortunately, I had a lot of support there from people who knew the situation, so I was able to switch seats discreetly and enjoy my time.
I truly wish I was strong enough to be friends with Chia, but the thing is, I just never got over the relationship. I got over him.
Just not the relationship.
And after last night, I realized just how lucky I was to not be with him anymore. We are two completely different people who would never have lasted anyway, no matter how much potential I wished to see in him.

Wow, I didn't realize this was such a long post! Think it's a Dave Chapelle night.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." --Marilyn Monroe


Endearingly Neurotic

I'm jealous, co-dependent, insecure and messy....
But I'm funny ;]

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

And Enter Milton/Miguel

UPDATE: Just got a call from a good work friend telling me his friend was asking for my number. Turns out it was the one and only Milton...or Miguel...or whatever his REAL name is, the fry cook at my job, not to mention the room mate of one of my ex's (whom we will call Chia for the shear fact he had a tiny member and a big bush. Huge, one could get lost in there and then have to clear their way out with a machete. I thought maybe there was more to his junk and it was just drowning in bush, but, alas, there wasn't. It was like a turtle head peeking out of its shell...I think that's enough description). Chia was the guy I was serious about before B.
Complete. Asshole.
He didn't know how to be with a girl in the first place, and his own insecurities juxtapose his seemingly out of place self worth created a tedious relationship for us both.
We still work together.
I do not like him.
However, I have always had a thing for his sexy room mate, not knowing at first it was his room mate. So, you can't blame me.
I guess Milton/Miguel got word that I found him attractive and asked our mutual friend for my number.

This should be interesting.

Back to "The Pony Remark,"

I Saw the Light in Vomit

I should have realized B wasn't "the one" when he threw up all over the bar top table at the Tavern on our first date...
(Yeah, that happened).
Not only was he embarrassed, but I was embarrassed for him. I guess I thought this kind of stuff happened to everyone at one point or another, and that it'd be a funny story to tell people when they asked how our first date went. I try to be an accepting person anyway, so I figured what better time to practice that than when I walk out of the bathroom and the guy I just met is wiping up his vomit with cocktail napkins?
We were then kicked out of the bar.

This got me thinking of how many signs I have missed, not just with B, but with every guy I have tried things out and then inevitably failed miserably with. I stopped looking for signs a while ago, as soon as my lust for life and faith in a higher power began to evaporate, and cynicism began to creep its angry foot into my door. It was always my opinion that signs could be found in anything, whether it be in an innocent gesture of kindness, a song lyric or someone's grilled cheese sandwich.
Point is: they were completely made up.
Now, however, B's vomit episode has got me wondering that maybe there are signs that are put in front of us to steer us in the right direction, if only we are aware enough to realize them.
In my case, the sign that night surely would have been STOP.
That and the massive hickeys B left after our first time sleeping together. Seriously, when I say "massive" I mean "looked like I got attacked by a Hover vacuum." That was a little obnoxious. What are we, 12?

Anyway, another sign would be the first time B met my mom (first and ONLY).
After just recently moving back home with my overly controlling, uptight and Jewish parents, its been a little difficult to date as much as I used to. Their number one rule is that the guy I'm seeing has to come to the door. I suppose its more respectful...I don't always know the thought process, ok? At any rate, the one time B doesn't come to the door because we are late to catching a movie, is the one time my mom ends up coming home from work early. So, shes already pissed that he hasn't come into our home. She goes out to meet him, and for some reason the schmuck is wearing shorts, a short sleeve GREEN shirt that is peeking out under a RED plaid button-up shirt, and hair that looked like it hadn't been brushed in days. Not to mention his out of control beard, which I usually love (love the facial hair, I do), but on this particular day made him look like a vagrant. He hardly spoke to her after his introduction, and the whole meeting lasted about 3 minutes.
Before hopping into the car, my mom called my name and with an air of humor said "Lev, YOU look nice!"
I texted her after I got into the car and the convo went just like this:
Lev: I know what you're thinking. We'll talk later.
Mom: Hahahahahahahahahaha :-/

I'm starting to believe that signs are all around us, and hear you me, I plan to look for and follow them religiously from now on.

As for right this moment, it's Seinfeld time.

Yours truly,

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Day 4 of Not Hearing from B

So, day 4 of not hearing from my supposed "boyfriend," and I'm wondering if he's giving this as much thought as I am. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, telling myself, "hey, maybe he's dead..."
Not the case.
Against my better judgment I checked on his Facebook page (you mean, Facebook wasn't created to stalk others?), and saw he was at the Rockies game "with his best friend and his best friend's lovely wife and sister."
"Well," I thought, "I hope he had fun."
And then I deleted him from my account so fast you would have thought I had just found out he was, in fact, the real Unibomber.
Done, son!
I'm very much over this, but still can't help but wonder what went wrong. How can someone be so into you one week, and then so over you the next? I may never get an explanation...
Random Thought: I just realized I still have one of his favorite hoodies. If Homeboy thinks he's gettin' that back he has another thing coming....
If he does end up calling me sometime in the future, I'm not even really sure what I'd say...
How does one react to being forced into a relationship, developing feelings and giving into the pressure of commitment just to be left on the curb like yesterdays trash? Never really been in this situation before.
On one hand I want to be like, "Uh, where the fuck have YOU been? And if the excuses don't include physical handicaps of any kind, being abducted by aliens, or getting kidnapped and sold into Slavery in Taiwan, I don't even want to hear it, mother fucker. And actually, forget the kidnapped excuse...they have pay phones in Taiwan."
And on the other hand, I just want to ignore him completely; make him feel the way I am feeling right now and show him I care so little about him, that I don't even need to speak with him about ending things.

I was in such a foul mood last night, El had to cheer me up. He messaged me on Facebook right after I had deleted B (quite the coincidence...) and we talked for 2 hours. Seems I may have picked the wrong man.
Well, I suppose it's time for me to head to bed and watch a little Colbert Report.

Dreaming of my sushi and scifi movie date with El in the near future,

Day 3 of Waiting to Hear from B

I didn't want my first post to be an angry one.
I really didn't.
I didn't want to introduce myself as the girl who constantly makes bad dating decisions and ends up getting hurt over and over again, no matter if the guy is a seemingly decent human being or an obvious skuzz bucket.
I didn't want to come into this having just broken up with, YET AGAIN, another man in the course of 3 months.
Unfortunately, this isn't going to be the case.
I'm coming here, starting this with guns--er, fingers--blazing; still smoking from the thoughts I fired out onto notebook paper just hours earlier.
After a tedious search tearing through man after man, I thought I found one who legitimately appreciated me, who cared about me, wanted to be with me for the long haul.
He called me his girlfriend, took me home to mom, held me at night and kissed my neck and shoulder anytime he would wake up. I felt secure, I felt content.
I felt loved.
I didn't love him.
Not yet, at least, but I could see it getting there.
Which is why I'm not so much sad about not hearing from him, but merely frustrated and confused. I can't help wonder what I did, what I said that could have turned him off. Maybe its a girls' manner to stress about all the negative possibilities...
Maybe it's just me, I mean, I am pretty neurotic (but its an endearing sort of neurotic...really).
I keep wondering: "Was it something I said?" "Was it because I said I liked the Hangover II, when everyone else who saw it clearly hated it?" "Did I smell bad?" "Was the sex bad?"
Clearly, the last worry is ridiculous, I mean, come on! I'm great in bed!
But the doubts are still there.

At the time I was seeing B, I was also seeing another guy named El. It was a hard choice to make, but I chose B over El, simply because he lived closer and seemed so serious about wanting a committed relationship, and I suppose I was flattered at the fact that someone could like me so much.
Really, I was con-ed into the entire relationship in the first place! I just wanted to casually date, but B insisted we became "boyfriend/girlfriend." I was hesitant, but in the end, I obliged.

It was kinda nice having a boyfriend anyway...I mean, while it lasted....
Now I'm sitting here, checking my phone every 5 minutes, hoping to receive some kind of assurance that everything is all right; or even a text explaining why he doesn't want to see me anymore! Gimme something!
I suppose I need to just chill out, watch some American Dad and shut my phone off for a bit.
And that's exactly what I am going to do...
So, long for now,