Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Alcohol Makes the Words Come Easier

Last night, I was itching to go clubbing for some reason, so I called up my friend Chris and we decided to go to SPILL downtown. After just a couple drinks we were definitely starting to feel it, so, being the world's worst drunk texter, I opened up my contact list and started messaging. Our friend Chad from work ended up responding and decided that since he lived downtown he'd come meet up with us.
We were quite excited about this. 
Chris had been trying to get me and Chad together for some time. I think that secretly, Chris really wants to get into Chad's pants, but since Chad isn't gay, Chris wants to live vicariously through me. I am totally ok with this.
Chad's a very good looking guy. I'm not even that into blondes, but Chad is pretty fine, so its safe to say, I'm down with the mess around. 
Chad shows up with his roomie and begins taking shots, after apparently already pre-gaming at his house. We were all getting pretty rowdy when Chad comes up to me and says, 
"So whats the deal? Are you coming home with me tonight or what?"
I laugh, not sure if he was joking or not. I mean, Chad can get pretty much any girl he puts his mind to and we always joke around about hooking up and what not. 
So, he says, "I feel like you don't ever take me seriously."
Well, that cleared up any confusion I had. 
I told him that Chris and I were suppose to leave the club together and that I didn't want to leave him alone. 
That's when the negotiations began...
Chad walked up to Chris, said something, then Chris came up to me and asked if I wanted to leave with Chad. I said I honestly didn't know.
Chris walked over to Chad and the two began talking intensely.
Chris came back up to me, and we began to talk about whether I'd be leaving with Chad or not.
Chris walked back to Chad and began negotiating with him again.
I felt like I was being sold to a John by my Pimp.
Finally, Chris drunkenly walks up to me, puts his hands on my shoulders and says,quite matter of fact-ly, "You...are going home with Chad....and he is going to fuck you."
It was settled. 
Chad and I walked back to his place. I was gone by this point, and I'm certain I kept bringing up Chia and the other guy I have a thing for at work (those are my two favorite drunken topics). He held my hand all the way to his house and when we got there we sat down on his couch and figured we'd get things started. 
I have to say...I felt extremely awkward. 
I don't know if I just get nervous around Chad, or if I just really wasn't into it, but he went in to kiss me and I just wasn't feeling it. 
It was weird. 
So, I excused myself to go to the bathroom and when I came back out, Chad was passed out up in his bedroom. 
And it was over before it even began. I walked back downstairs and watched Family Guy on his couch until his roomie got home and gave me a ride back to my place. 
Strange night, right? Strange, but totally fun. 
Perhaps I just love the thrill of the chase, but when I actually get it, I realize how much I don't want it....
Perhaps we may never know; at least, until the next time Chad and I get together. 

And so, I'll leave you with this: "True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen."
 --La Rochefoucauld


Monday, June 20, 2011


'Ello World,

That is, mostly America, Sweden and Germany as my stats say (thanks for reading, btw).
Yesterday was my good friend Pahina's wedding. It was a beautiful ceremony that illustrated the loving and vibrant souls that she and her fiancee are. I have to say, I was a little worried about going to this wedding, being the cynical love doubter that I am; however, seeing Pahina and her fiancee's true happiness at being bonded together for their eternities made me believe that love truly does exist for some people.
In my opinion, love is out there for those certain lucky individuals who probably found it when they weren't even looking for it in the first place.
Pahina's love looked so real and seemed so secure. I was so happy she found someone as amazing as her. I think it's so funny how two people can be so perfect together. I suppose I don't truly understand it because I've never truly had that before.
Perhaps someday.
After the tear-jerking ceremony, came the always exciting reception (Aka, Party Time!).
It was a Russian Jewish wedding, so there was plenty of Vodka and dancing that would put even Paris Hilton to shame. We danced the Hora, and to Hava Nagila, and ate strange Russian food I had never even seen before (a new experience, although not my favorite part of the whole shindig).

The only uncomfortable part of the weddings was that Chia was there. I knew he was going to be, so I was mentally prepared, but not emotionally prepared to see him, and here is a list of reasons why:
1) We haven't spoken since we broke up almost 5 months ago.
2) I fell hard for this man, and he treated me so badly during a time in my life I needed support and love the most.
3) I'm pretty sure he knows his roommate is trying to get all up on this...
4) The girl he was in love with before me is one of Pahina's best friends and she was also at the wedding. She is gorgeous. Model status. And she broke his heart, and he constantly compared me to her.

I don't hate her for this at all, in fact, I really like and admire this girl. She's a ton of fun and a great friend to Pahina. However, I have never forgiven Chia for the way I never measured up to her for him. No one can compare to this girl, let me tell you...
So, when Chia walked into the reception after missing the ceremony (not surprising, he's always late), my heart dropped a little. I was thrilled when I found out he was sitting at a table far, far away (thanks to Pahina being sensitive to my feelings), until someone at my table told him to come join us since he didn't know anyone at his table.
Thank you blonde girl with the bleeding heart.
So, there we were: Me, Chia, and his beautiful past love. None of us talking to each other.
So awkward.
Didn't help when I heard the Beauty whisper to her friend, sarcastically, "we only hooked up 4 times."
That was something I could have gone my whole life without hearing....
Fortunately, I had a lot of support there from people who knew the situation, so I was able to switch seats discreetly and enjoy my time.
I truly wish I was strong enough to be friends with Chia, but the thing is, I just never got over the relationship. I got over him.
Just not the relationship.
And after last night, I realized just how lucky I was to not be with him anymore. We are two completely different people who would never have lasted anyway, no matter how much potential I wished to see in him.

Wow, I didn't realize this was such a long post! Think it's a Dave Chapelle night.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." --Marilyn Monroe


Endearingly Neurotic

I'm jealous, co-dependent, insecure and messy....
But I'm funny ;]

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

And Enter Milton/Miguel

UPDATE: Just got a call from a good work friend telling me his friend was asking for my number. Turns out it was the one and only Milton...or Miguel...or whatever his REAL name is, the fry cook at my job, not to mention the room mate of one of my ex's (whom we will call Chia for the shear fact he had a tiny member and a big bush. Huge, one could get lost in there and then have to clear their way out with a machete. I thought maybe there was more to his junk and it was just drowning in bush, but, alas, there wasn't. It was like a turtle head peeking out of its shell...I think that's enough description). Chia was the guy I was serious about before B.
Complete. Asshole.
He didn't know how to be with a girl in the first place, and his own insecurities juxtapose his seemingly out of place self worth created a tedious relationship for us both.
We still work together.
I do not like him.
However, I have always had a thing for his sexy room mate, not knowing at first it was his room mate. So, you can't blame me.
I guess Milton/Miguel got word that I found him attractive and asked our mutual friend for my number.

This should be interesting.

Back to "The Pony Remark,"

I Saw the Light in Vomit

I should have realized B wasn't "the one" when he threw up all over the bar top table at the Tavern on our first date...
(Yeah, that happened).
Not only was he embarrassed, but I was embarrassed for him. I guess I thought this kind of stuff happened to everyone at one point or another, and that it'd be a funny story to tell people when they asked how our first date went. I try to be an accepting person anyway, so I figured what better time to practice that than when I walk out of the bathroom and the guy I just met is wiping up his vomit with cocktail napkins?
We were then kicked out of the bar.

This got me thinking of how many signs I have missed, not just with B, but with every guy I have tried things out and then inevitably failed miserably with. I stopped looking for signs a while ago, as soon as my lust for life and faith in a higher power began to evaporate, and cynicism began to creep its angry foot into my door. It was always my opinion that signs could be found in anything, whether it be in an innocent gesture of kindness, a song lyric or someone's grilled cheese sandwich.
Point is: they were completely made up.
Now, however, B's vomit episode has got me wondering that maybe there are signs that are put in front of us to steer us in the right direction, if only we are aware enough to realize them.
In my case, the sign that night surely would have been STOP.
That and the massive hickeys B left after our first time sleeping together. Seriously, when I say "massive" I mean "looked like I got attacked by a Hover vacuum." That was a little obnoxious. What are we, 12?

Anyway, another sign would be the first time B met my mom (first and ONLY).
After just recently moving back home with my overly controlling, uptight and Jewish parents, its been a little difficult to date as much as I used to. Their number one rule is that the guy I'm seeing has to come to the door. I suppose its more respectful...I don't always know the thought process, ok? At any rate, the one time B doesn't come to the door because we are late to catching a movie, is the one time my mom ends up coming home from work early. So, shes already pissed that he hasn't come into our home. She goes out to meet him, and for some reason the schmuck is wearing shorts, a short sleeve GREEN shirt that is peeking out under a RED plaid button-up shirt, and hair that looked like it hadn't been brushed in days. Not to mention his out of control beard, which I usually love (love the facial hair, I do), but on this particular day made him look like a vagrant. He hardly spoke to her after his introduction, and the whole meeting lasted about 3 minutes.
Before hopping into the car, my mom called my name and with an air of humor said "Lev, YOU look nice!"
I texted her after I got into the car and the convo went just like this:
Lev: I know what you're thinking. We'll talk later.
Mom: Hahahahahahahahahaha :-/

I'm starting to believe that signs are all around us, and hear you me, I plan to look for and follow them religiously from now on.

As for right this moment, it's Seinfeld time.

Yours truly,

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Day 4 of Not Hearing from B

So, day 4 of not hearing from my supposed "boyfriend," and I'm wondering if he's giving this as much thought as I am. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, telling myself, "hey, maybe he's dead..."
Not the case.
Against my better judgment I checked on his Facebook page (you mean, Facebook wasn't created to stalk others?), and saw he was at the Rockies game "with his best friend and his best friend's lovely wife and sister."
"Well," I thought, "I hope he had fun."
And then I deleted him from my account so fast you would have thought I had just found out he was, in fact, the real Unibomber.
Done, son!
I'm very much over this, but still can't help but wonder what went wrong. How can someone be so into you one week, and then so over you the next? I may never get an explanation...
Random Thought: I just realized I still have one of his favorite hoodies. If Homeboy thinks he's gettin' that back he has another thing coming....
If he does end up calling me sometime in the future, I'm not even really sure what I'd say...
How does one react to being forced into a relationship, developing feelings and giving into the pressure of commitment just to be left on the curb like yesterdays trash? Never really been in this situation before.
On one hand I want to be like, "Uh, where the fuck have YOU been? And if the excuses don't include physical handicaps of any kind, being abducted by aliens, or getting kidnapped and sold into Slavery in Taiwan, I don't even want to hear it, mother fucker. And actually, forget the kidnapped excuse...they have pay phones in Taiwan."
And on the other hand, I just want to ignore him completely; make him feel the way I am feeling right now and show him I care so little about him, that I don't even need to speak with him about ending things.

I was in such a foul mood last night, El had to cheer me up. He messaged me on Facebook right after I had deleted B (quite the coincidence...) and we talked for 2 hours. Seems I may have picked the wrong man.
Well, I suppose it's time for me to head to bed and watch a little Colbert Report.

Dreaming of my sushi and scifi movie date with El in the near future,

Day 3 of Waiting to Hear from B

I didn't want my first post to be an angry one.
I really didn't.
I didn't want to introduce myself as the girl who constantly makes bad dating decisions and ends up getting hurt over and over again, no matter if the guy is a seemingly decent human being or an obvious skuzz bucket.
I didn't want to come into this having just broken up with, YET AGAIN, another man in the course of 3 months.
Unfortunately, this isn't going to be the case.
I'm coming here, starting this with guns--er, fingers--blazing; still smoking from the thoughts I fired out onto notebook paper just hours earlier.
After a tedious search tearing through man after man, I thought I found one who legitimately appreciated me, who cared about me, wanted to be with me for the long haul.
He called me his girlfriend, took me home to mom, held me at night and kissed my neck and shoulder anytime he would wake up. I felt secure, I felt content.
I felt loved.
I didn't love him.
Not yet, at least, but I could see it getting there.
Which is why I'm not so much sad about not hearing from him, but merely frustrated and confused. I can't help wonder what I did, what I said that could have turned him off. Maybe its a girls' manner to stress about all the negative possibilities...
Maybe it's just me, I mean, I am pretty neurotic (but its an endearing sort of neurotic...really).
I keep wondering: "Was it something I said?" "Was it because I said I liked the Hangover II, when everyone else who saw it clearly hated it?" "Did I smell bad?" "Was the sex bad?"
Clearly, the last worry is ridiculous, I mean, come on! I'm great in bed!
But the doubts are still there.

At the time I was seeing B, I was also seeing another guy named El. It was a hard choice to make, but I chose B over El, simply because he lived closer and seemed so serious about wanting a committed relationship, and I suppose I was flattered at the fact that someone could like me so much.
Really, I was con-ed into the entire relationship in the first place! I just wanted to casually date, but B insisted we became "boyfriend/girlfriend." I was hesitant, but in the end, I obliged.

It was kinda nice having a boyfriend anyway...I mean, while it lasted....
Now I'm sitting here, checking my phone every 5 minutes, hoping to receive some kind of assurance that everything is all right; or even a text explaining why he doesn't want to see me anymore! Gimme something!
I suppose I need to just chill out, watch some American Dad and shut my phone off for a bit.
And that's exactly what I am going to do...
So, long for now,