Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Day 3 of Waiting to Hear from B

I didn't want my first post to be an angry one.
I really didn't.
I didn't want to introduce myself as the girl who constantly makes bad dating decisions and ends up getting hurt over and over again, no matter if the guy is a seemingly decent human being or an obvious skuzz bucket.
I didn't want to come into this having just broken up with, YET AGAIN, another man in the course of 3 months.
Unfortunately, this isn't going to be the case.
I'm coming here, starting this with guns--er, fingers--blazing; still smoking from the thoughts I fired out onto notebook paper just hours earlier.
After a tedious search tearing through man after man, I thought I found one who legitimately appreciated me, who cared about me, wanted to be with me for the long haul.
He called me his girlfriend, took me home to mom, held me at night and kissed my neck and shoulder anytime he would wake up. I felt secure, I felt content.
I felt loved.
I didn't love him.
Not yet, at least, but I could see it getting there.
Which is why I'm not so much sad about not hearing from him, but merely frustrated and confused. I can't help wonder what I did, what I said that could have turned him off. Maybe its a girls' manner to stress about all the negative possibilities...
Maybe it's just me, I mean, I am pretty neurotic (but its an endearing sort of neurotic...really).
I keep wondering: "Was it something I said?" "Was it because I said I liked the Hangover II, when everyone else who saw it clearly hated it?" "Did I smell bad?" "Was the sex bad?"
Clearly, the last worry is ridiculous, I mean, come on! I'm great in bed!
But the doubts are still there.

At the time I was seeing B, I was also seeing another guy named El. It was a hard choice to make, but I chose B over El, simply because he lived closer and seemed so serious about wanting a committed relationship, and I suppose I was flattered at the fact that someone could like me so much.
Really, I was con-ed into the entire relationship in the first place! I just wanted to casually date, but B insisted we became "boyfriend/girlfriend." I was hesitant, but in the end, I obliged.

It was kinda nice having a boyfriend anyway...I mean, while it lasted....
Now I'm sitting here, checking my phone every 5 minutes, hoping to receive some kind of assurance that everything is all right; or even a text explaining why he doesn't want to see me anymore! Gimme something!
I suppose I need to just chill out, watch some American Dad and shut my phone off for a bit.
And that's exactly what I am going to do...
So, long for now,

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